Pedo

(Before you read this I have to explain some things. I wrote this a couple weeks ago but didn't post it. I think I should because it's important for my friend. One other thing. I said I have code names for people; well, Pedo is a friend from varsity. All our friends call him that because he refuses to shave and it usually looks like he has pubes on his face and he ends up looking like our idea of a pedophile. It's a joke between us, please don't be offended. We know that pedophilia is not something to be joked about.)

I have so much going on in my head. Where do I put it all? All these thoughts and feelings, and all this pain I have inside that I don’t want anyone to know about because then they’ll be afraid.... What do I do with all of it?

In the car on the way to university this morning my mother told me how disgusted she is in me. I’m not so sure why... There is obviously some discontent there... I wonder what it is. A friend I follow on twitter always says this: “Work hard. Be nice to people.” Well I work hard. I work fucking hard. And you know what? It is reflected in my tests and exams and in my assignments. I do well. But I will do extremely well in all subjects but one, and I get hell for it. I can’t be perfect, and *sometimes (read *most times) I don’t always get things right, but I work hard. And I’m nice to people. Well I try. I used to be REALLY nice to people but I got walked all over so I stopped that. I can be a real nasty bitch sometimes. But only when I need to be. Otherwise yes, I’m nice to people.

And yet this morning I stood waiting for the university library to open, digging in my bag for an exam pad and sobbing like a silly little girl. And a friend walked up, saw me crying and he said “Hello Raff how are you?” He hugged me, saw I was crying and I said “I’m good thanks, how are you?” I lied. Obviously I lied. Why would I say the obvious anyways? "Oh I feel like shit because my mom is disappointed in me for what, I don't know, and I'm miserable and depressed and no one gets it because they're all fucking retards." Really? No. He pretended like he hadn’t seen me breaking down, and that’s what I needed.  He knows I like to pretend that I'm strong. He knows that I don’t show my pain easily because I hate being pitied. He knows. So he pretended like he hadn’t seen anything and spoke about silly things like how he tried once to gain access to the library with his bus card instead of his university access card and, lo and behold! It didn’t work. Thank you Pedo, I’ll always be grateful for that, and for those few minutes