Who would have thought so much would have happened between us when we were fooling around and having shits and giggles in our primary school classrooms all those years ago. I remember sitting around with you, being mean and nasty to you while you were being mean and nasty to me... That’s what people say about kids very often, you know. If they hate each other, or in our case if they pretend to hate each other, then they actually like each other. Well obviously I liked you. That’s a given that I’m sure the whole world knows about by now. I was totally smitten for you, the shortest kid in the class who gave me so much shit as a child... The one who used to torture me by being so hurtful at times, like most 12 year old boys. The one who would say the most terrible things to me, tease me, make me die inside every time he chewed up a scrap of paper and spat in into my face. Yes, him. I am in love with that boy.
I miss those days. If I had known what would have happened to us six years later then I would have done things differently. You would too, I know. Regret is something that you will never be able to lose. You’re probably going overseas next year, to work, start your life over, whatever. You’ll still regret this. Regret follows you halfway around the world whether you like it or not. And this is something I know I will regret for a very, very long time.
We should maybe start from the beginning, as most things do. It would be so much easier to understand a story that is already so twisted and toxic that I still do not understand even if it is already over. We went to primary school together. We weren’t friends from the start; I only knew you existed when you started “dating” my friends when we were about 10 years old. (Side note: yes, when I was in primary school, we had crushes and we would tell each other that we liked each other and such, and we would be “girlfriend and boyfriend” and we would never spend any time together nor speak every day. It was just for the novelty of having someone who was glad that you were around.) So that’s how we sort of knew of each other. You went from girlfriend to girlfriend to girlfriend in primary school. Even then I thought you were a bit of a man-whore for always having a new girlfriend but you only told me yourself a few months ago that it was more than I could possibly have imagined.
We met properly in the last year of primary school. If we had been “together” if you could call it, then, we would have been pretty happy with how that year turned out. It was you and I, and your best friend, and my best friend. And together we made a naughty, giggling foursome of friends. When we left to go to high school, a friend ours (one you had actually “dated” on and off during school) hooked us up and there we have it, I had my first fake boyfriend ever. I was totally excited because you wanted to do it too. I ignored that you said to her “Okay fine, I’ll do it. But as long as she doesn’t treat me like she did during school, because if she does then it’s over.” (I mean, you basically set us up to fail). We were together for two whole months and we didn’t see each other once. Earlier this year you told me it was because you was too shit scared. You were the first boy to ever tell me that he loved me. I even remember the exact day, the reason why we were speaking at that time. I was going to a school dance and you were going on holiday so we couldn’t go together. You were concerned if I would take someone else in your place, and I had laughed out loud. I thought that was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard. Of course I wouldn’t have taken someone else.... I didn’t even end up going because you couldn’t come with me. And I remember what you said to me when we ended our conversation. You said “I just want to let you know that I love you.” That was really one of the best text messages I have ever received, TO THIS DAY. And I know, you didn’t mean it. I know now from speaking this year that you were hardly bothered at all at that time that you had a girlfriend and that it was me... I know all this. But at least, please, give me this exquisite pain.
I broke up with you a few days before your birthday. Possibly the most idiotic thing I could ever have done, I did it then. I honestly don’t remember the reasoning I had to explain away such a disgusting action on my part, but I do remember that I didn’t have any money on my phone and I was with a friend of ours on a Friday night and she did it. I am so ashamed... She sent you a text message telling you that we were breaking up, for whatever the reason was. I don’t remember if you were hurting. I do remember that I regretted it. We argued for a bit afterward, and you admitted that you still loved me but you didn’t want to try again with me. We’ve spoken about this a few times this year and I said repeatedly that I didn’t know who broke up with who or why. So did you. I lied. So did you.
Throughout high school we would speak every now and again via Facebook. We were about 16 years old then. You were still the one who always had the girlfriend and the other girls on the side who were better than the girlfriend but you wanted all of them anyways. And I was always the one who was lonely; the guys always looked right through me.
Until November 2010, I made possibly the best or worst decision I have ever made. I contacted you and we didn’t stop speaking until a couple months ago. You had a girlfriend at the time; I fancied your best friend and he didn’t want anything more than to shove his penis inside of me. I let him though, because silly little girls with silly little crushes would let their crushes have anything he wanted from them.
We became closer than I would ever have imagined. You would come to my house for some coffee on a Saturday night at 12pm just so we could have a chat. That’s one of the things I miss the most, just our spontaneous decisions to see each other at whatever time of the day it was. I remember that when you ever came into some free time and had nothing to do with yourself, the first thing you would do was send me a text message exclaiming how you had all this time and that you wouldn’t know what to do. You would never straight out ask me if I wanted to see you. You would drop a hint like that, and of course, obviously, I would ask if you wanted to see me. The second it was set in concrete I would race up and down the house, getting changed, doing my hair again, putting some make up on... And then I would sit in the lounge and wait for you to drive past my gate and park outside.
We could sit and talk for hours. And the way you made me laugh, and blush... You were so lovely. You would say all the right things; you gave the most incredible hugs. When you told me I was beautiful, I believed you over anyone else. You’d say all of the right things; you said what you knew I wanted to hear. You made me feel so special. But most of all, you made me feel like I was worth something, like I was worth the time for someone to come around and just waste time with.
And then in mid-march, I introduced you to a very special family. They are MY family. It was just us and the kids that night. We just made dinner and watched DVDs. I remember you were never one for public displays of affection, so you stroked my thigh with your hand under the blanket so that no one would see, and when they went off to another part of the house you whispered to me that the blanket, my top, and my peeking bra were all the same colour. You kissed me a few times, finally after so long that whole evening, you ate a miniature donut and fed me the rest, and then said “Let’s go to bed.”
That was one of the happiest nights of my life. I didn’t know it yet, but I loved you already then. I’m grateful for that night. During that night I ruined any chance of what we could have been, but I am grateful that we had that incredible night together, as a beautiful send off. A heart wrenching, joyous and sorrowful one last time. That was not the last time I saw you, nor was it the last time we did anything together, but it was the start of bad things to come.
Basically, that night in bed after we had sex/made love (our views differed) I made it obvious that I liked you. We were in the habit of asking “What are we?” to each other. We weren’t friends with benefits, nor fuck buddies, not in any sort of relationship.... So we always used to ask “What are we?” So that night, I asked you what we were. You answer hurt me. “We’re just friends who want to fuck each other.”
There. That’s where you broke me apart. It has taken me about two weeks to write this post. Two fucking weeks because it’s not normal to sit at a PC in university and sob hysterically while you type, right? That night, when you said that to me, you were holding me and kissing my neck. Talk about hard to understand? And then, of course, like usual, I was so stupid. In reply to that, I said “Oh.” pause. “Of course.”
I am so stupid. I am so so stupid. What the fuck is wrong with me? Is there something wrong with my brain? Did you break my heart and my brain too? Was breaking my heart not enough for you?
After that night, you dragged my heart around and played with it for probably more than six months. I have counted six months, and I do know that it is more than six months, but I’d rather not count again, because it feels like a lifetime. You tore my heart out with your fingernails and YOU DESTROYED ME.
Why were you so back and forth, so hot and cold? One day you were trying to convince me that you liked me but you didn’t want me. Then another day you were kissing me. Then another day you’d just decided out of the blue that you didn’t like me anymore. Then you were kissing me. Then you were trying (and failing) to look after me when I was sick. Then you weren’t giving a fucking shit about our six year friendship that you had wrecked... You didn’t even try to contact me, for months at a time... What was so difficult with sending a silly little text message?
Then suddenly one day, just about two weeks ago, you were telling me you miss me. Why do you miss me? Why did you do this to yourself? YOU brought this upon yourself! How many times did you fucking tell me that I was the woman you saw yourself marrying? Why did you do that to me? Didn’t you see what it would do?
About two days after you told me for the last time that you stopped liking me, you found someone else. A slut. I always call myself a whore because for some reason I have scores of disgusting men always trying to get into my pants. Always. Every single fucking day. I always tell them to fuck off because I hate how they make me feel. But this new girl you found and started screwing, was exactly like me. She had every second guy wanting to shag her. The only difference, was that she lets them. You became one of those, and suddenly you were fucking like rabbits and you’d forgotten all about me.
And now, the same thing, again. It’s incredibly easy to tell when you have someone new. I’m not fucking stupid you know. You have a new girl who you’re obviously fucking. You have a new girl who’s so pretty. She’s so pretty... Are you going to tell her everything that you told me? That she’s everything you wanted, ever? That she’s everything you ever wanted in a wife and that you see yourself marrying her and being happy?
Why did you feel you had to play such games with my heart? I realised that tonight I was just another one of those girls. I was just another girl you screwed and screwed over and used to spend your time and then you just threw me out when you were done with me, and found someone better. What kind of satisfaction do you get from this emotional abuse? You will never understand what you’ve done to me. You will never fucking understand the devastation you have caused in me. Why have you done this to me.
And you know what the fucking worst is? I love you. If you came up to me tonight and offered yourself and your life to me so that I could share myself and my life with you forever, I would grab that up in a shot. That’s how pathetic I am. I am so stupid for loving you. I am so so so fucking stupid. And I hate you for what you’ve done to me. I hate you but I love you.
So there you have it. I’ve stripped myself naked, to the core and my heart is lying in a trampled mess on the floor. I never knew being treated like dirt before you. You could probably do whatever you wanted with me right now. As you could, and did, all the time. You could destroy me further, or you’ll fix me. We both know what you will do. You’ll leave me to be how I am now, and you won’t try to fix me. Either way, that was a stupid thing to say. I can’t be fixed. And you’ll continue to break me up into tiny pieces, for god knows how long. How pathetic am I.
But one thing is for sure.
What I’ll miss most is how you held my hand.
No comments:
Post a Comment