Hey guess what blog readers! Something I already knew has now been confirmed. I am depressed. Durh. What else could I be?
I should explain. I have a family friend who is a doctor. He calls me his sister, I call him my brother. We are not related at all. If you want me to make it difficult for you, I can. Okay I will. His dad and my dad are best friends. His parents are my middle sister's godparents. There you have it. So he is my brother and I am his sister because we are very close and he also has a twin sister who is not my sister, even though her brother is my brother too but she's not my sister. Okay now I'm confused. And there, my friends, I have succeeded.
So he's a doctor. Like a real life doctor who is doing his internship in one of the poorest government hospitals in Johannesburg, the Chris Hani Baragwanath hospital to be exact. He got his medical degree in 2010 I think, at the University of the Witwatersrand (or also known as WITS. I'm also studying there remember?) Yes. So we are relatively very close when we talk. I say "when" because we used to chat A LOT but now I'm in varsity and now he's a real life doctor starting his internship so he can work for 7 years before going into neurosurgery or something. So we don't talk as much as we used to, but we did speak a couple days ago. It was so lovely, actually. God I've missed him.
But nevertheless, he started, as he does, listing things, in this case the certain factors that apply to people who are depressed and will determine if someone is depressed or not. And as he went along my fears were confirmed. I answered "yes" to every factor that he listed, except for two.
They were insomnia and lack of appetite. I sleep when I can. Sleep for me is an escape. I stopped dreaming for a very long time, so I was quite happy about that. Sleep wastes hours of the day away so that when you wake up, some of the day is gone and you weren't awake and living through your own personal hell during those hours. Now suddenly I am struggling to fall asleep. And if I do, I am also dreaming again, mostly of Heart Dragger (man who stole my heart and broke it). In these dreams we usually see each other by chance in different situations and he pretty much goes mad. Yelling, screaming at me.... His fury frightens me in my dreams.
And as for appetite... Well. From 27 December 2010, exactly two days after my dear friend Courtenay passed away, I have eaten myself into oblivion. When I am sad, anxious, stressed, whatever, I stuff my face. I STUFF my face. I shove food into my mouth. Whatever food I can find. And so of course, I have gained an astounding amount of weight and now I'm sad because I'm fat and gross and not sexy anymore. I sometimes eat like this at such a fast rate that just ten minutes after stopping, I throw it all up. Now suddenly for the past week or so I haven't done that, and I haven't even eaten what normal people eat. I eat because I have to and because I know it's smart and the right thing to do. I just have no appetite. Like this morning for example. I start writing end year university exams TODAY. I write a subject I hate and will probably fail, and here I am blogging about my pitiful life. This morning, I knew that I had to eat. I had to. I knew that if I didn't eat in the morning, then by 11am I would be famished and eating the food I had prepared for lunch. And then I knew that by 3pm while writing an exam I will be famished again having not eaten before my exam and that would just fuck up my concentration. So this morning I literally forced myself to eat jam on toast with lots of water and it sucked.
So who knows. Maybe I am depressed. I probably am. OH WELL we all knew that already. Yay is my life.
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