What you did.

Today I'm hurting. Because I'm angry at people. Because I'm angry at life. Because friends who have everything going for them think they understand you when they don't actually have a clue.

So I'm hurting. And I'm fucking seething.

In later posts, you will understand what's happened this year to turn me into such a fire breathing angry bitch. It's quite clear that my heart has been broken (actually a totally ridiculous term seeing as it's all a brain process) and now I have been left to deal with it and pick myself up, again, on my own, again, while the disgusting men who've done this to me walk away without a care.

So this morning, thinking I could open up to my friends about anything I wished, particularly about things that are hurting me, myself and the two other girls from our group of friends had a lovely heartwarming discussion about torturing my most recent ex-boyfriend.

I was obviously wrong in thinking I could talk to my friends about my feelings, because the one decided to stand up for him and plead his case. Yes, sure. I do see sense in what she was saying. I do understand that what she says is right because I knew all of this sense before she even did. So YES, I know. YES, I understand. But either way, isn't she supposed to be on "my side" as such? It's very primary school, I know. But the fact that I'm in pain should cause any caring friend to be in my favour. Not in favour of the boy she has never met nor spoken to. Not the boy who ripped her friend's heart out by giving her false hope and then taking it away again...

I do think she meant well. When a person understands a situation properly, then they do tend to feel less hurt or betrayed than they did before. But that does not apply here. I am hurting. And I am angry. So do not fucking try to make me see sense because it will not make me hurt any less! This made me really angry with her today, because this is coming from a girl who has a wonderful to-die-for dream boyfriend who is just so lovely... He takes care of us.... If he doesn't see me smiling, he motions for me to turn the corners of my mouth up, and he says things like "We're going to get your swag back" to broken hearted little girls when they're falling apart. I wish she would stop trying to make like she understands and that she knows better when she doesn't.
Later that morning, we wasted time sitting around on the familiar leather blue chairs having our "basement time" (it's literally in the basement of a building where we have some classes) As far as I remember we were speaking about something to do with forgetting important dates. Now just a couple of weeks ago, there was a very special birthday. Courtenay "Stitch" Whitaker's 18th birthday. One of the most important people in my life and I forgot her birthday, her 18th birthday to make it even worse... Not only had I not been around the week before she died, but now I had forgotten that it was her birthday. It feels like I owe it to her to miss her all the time, and to remember her birthdays and other special things about her, yet this day specifically, I forgot.

I remember being so upset about it. After a long and busy week and especially that friday, I got home and could finally relax. I did my usual routine of getting food and something to drink and vegitating in front of the pc stalking social networks, and that was where I saw that it was her birthday, on that satan's spawn called Facebook. Needless to say, I felt so terrible, and I wept. Like a silly child I wept over something I couldn't change. I remember a couple minutes later my phone rang, it was my best friend with his usual greeting of "Hello hobo" and then proceeding to make plans to come over and giggle across a table over some coffee and my baking. He knew straight away that something was wrong when I couldn't speak, so he said, just straight out "Whatever I'm coming over anyway."

So obviously, as you can imagine, today during our "basement time", I mentioned that I had forgotten her birthday. And, the afore mentioned "friend" who had already upset me before, said to me "Well she won't realise now."

THAT. Like, really? What the fuck kind of a friend would say that to someone who is mourning the death of someone who was close to her and then died suddenly? With the ex-boyfriend thing, I can kind of understand. However, this, I cannot. I found what she said to be so heartless and insensitive, and hurtful.

To add to it, less than an hour later I had a panic attack and was throwing up in the bathroom after running out of a lecture theatre. I sound like a total pussy. But if you push buttons that will hurt me, I actually can't deal with it.
So I ask myself what friends these are that I have. I do understand, that maybe she was trying to help. That maybe she was trying to be realistic so that I would understand and so that I wouldn't hurt.

It didn't work. Sorry. Fuck you.